Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Sh*t Brand Consultants Say

Every specialism has its own argot, insider jargon and stock phraseology. Whether we are bankers, bakers, bloggers, bicycle-repairmen or brand consultants, each of us is happily living within our own particular linguistic suburb. So of course many of the stock phrases and expressions that we use daily are bound to be non-obvious, enigmatic and sometimes even faintly ridiculous to others. Yet why not record those and celebrate them in a light-hearted way?

I have incorporated few, if any, viral internet memes into this blog over the years. If you are unfamiliar with the conventions of the current “Shit People Say” meme, you’ can start with watching ‘Shit Cyclists Say’ and ‘Shite Irish Girls Say’. (You should easily be able to find a similar “Shit <Foo> Say” video for whatever tribe you belong to.)

It is alway healthy to be able to laugh at oneself, and this meme inspires a light-hearted response.
am short on time – so in lieu of a creating a YouTube video – here is a draft dialogue for a script. (In-joke alert: if you are unfamiliar with the lingo of the branding game then your mileage here may vary.) 

I am thinking of a fast-cut edited montage of me alternately wearing a suit, a hipster gansey or a trendy shirt, shot in various boardrooms. Of course, I am already completely guilty of delivering most of these
utterances at one time or another over the course of my career...

— “Your brand is not your logo.”
— “That is a strategic issue.”
— “Have you any research to back that up?"
— “It depends.
— “This is about evolution, not revolution.”
— “I need to look at your brand architecture.”
— “Your logo is not your brand.”
— “Well, it’s not always about design.”
— “Is your company a house-of-brands, or are you a branded-house?”
— “I would advise against talking to your advertising agency about your brand strategy challenges.”
— “What you need is a master-branded strategy.”
— “Your brand is your promise.”
— “What you need is a sub-branded strategy.”
— “It’s more fundamental than that.”
— “Actually, it’s a lot more complicated than you think.”
— “Actually, it’s a lot more straightforward than you think.”

— “I would advise against talking to your PR agency about your brand strategy challenges.”
— “We need to address your business issues before we can solve your brand issues.”
— “Your social media strategy needs to align with your tone-of-voice strategy.”
— “I would advise against talking to your digital agency about your brand strategy challenges.”
— “Your brand communications lack a consistent look and feel.”
— “This is about revolution, not evolution.”
— “Your brand communications are too homogenous and inflexible.”
— “You are unclear about what your brand really is.”

— “Your brand is everything that you do.”
— “What you need is a monolithic brand strategy.”
— “I would advise against talking to your social media consultants about your brand strategy challenges.”
— “What you need is a endorsed-brand strategy.”
— “I’ll get back to you on that.”
— “Really, I see that as being more of a graphic design challenge.”
— “Well you could do that: but I wouldn’t advise it.”
— “Ultimately, it’s your decision.”

Did I omit any of the more obvious brand consultant statements? If so, just add more in the comments. I will make sure to incorporate them in the unlikely event that anyone ever gets around to making a video version of this.